CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Isn’t
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Every work meeting this week
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context