My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
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me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.