*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
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Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything