I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
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[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.