Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
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*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
This line from Airplane.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright