I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
You Might Also Like
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
craving $300 all of a sudden
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.