Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
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Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.