Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
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Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?