well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
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If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
they should invent a hydrating liquor
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong