JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
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*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”