my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
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[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
had to make it
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.