day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
You Might Also Like
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Oh my God.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat