Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
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If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
New Tinder profile.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.