Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
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Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.