Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
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I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.