Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
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If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you