Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
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I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Bond. Trauma bond.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.