Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
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me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.