Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.