My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
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[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
just pretend nothing happened
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered