2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
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[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
something like this could probably happen to anyone
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa