My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
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If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
smartest karate player in the world
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time