In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
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*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.