dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
You Might Also Like
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year