13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
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lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential