Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
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Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway