HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
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Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.