LMAO.
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I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
whenever i wake up before my alarm
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
me adding lol on a serious message