Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
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Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Things will get butter, keep churning
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Can’t. About to go please some beans