Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
You Might Also Like
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”