[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
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Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed