He’s cranky this morning
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I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Erm I’m gonna say no
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?