Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
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I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.