Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
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[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Tell the colonel to bring it
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”