My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
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A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
house sitting!
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.