I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
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abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying