I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
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Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
*offers Batman cough drops*
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
2023 was just a warmup
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?