Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
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My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”