Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
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$3 #books
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.