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I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.