i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
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here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.