Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
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[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle