I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
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*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that