“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
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If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.