There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
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Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
#gardening
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?