Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
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Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.