Dear Lord..
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Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.