Green is just blue that someone peed in
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*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.