Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
You Might Also Like
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
For anyone who needs this today
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Teamwork makes the dream work.