Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
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wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.